The Pirates and Me
by Rabid Lawn Gnome
Summary: A fluffy little spoof on what the evil Black Pearl gets in Keira Knightly's place. or Elizabeth Swann. Or Elizabeth Turner. Or whatever. Enjoy, and you have all have the right to flame me to hell, or call me ... a Lawn Gnome. Ankees, plz review.


A spoof on what the Black Pearl gets in the place of Keira - ehm, Elizabeth _Turner._ A little campy, but humour me. Btw, I don't own this crap, not in reality, since I still live in a basement and listen to Sonata Arctica, but that's beside the point.

_From the Memoirs of Keira Kn– sorry, Elizabeth_ _Swann_

I set down my thin book as the smiling maid bustled into my room. Night had finally fallen on the harsh day I'd been experiencing, but my mind was not ease; quite the contrary, among other of the horribly exciting adventures I'd been through in the past twelve hours, I'd been proposed to by an ass(excuse my profanity). Odd that a common proposal should be the most prodding thing on my mind at that moment, but such a proposal as I'd received had many meanings. I sighed mentally, toying absent-mindedly with the medallion strung around my neck. Women married pigs all the time, if only for the sake of their families. Why should I be any exception to this rule, however maddening it was? Sadly, my proposer _was_ a pig, and a very sad excuse for one, even on that measure. _Anyone _would've been a finer suitor, even ... _No, I shan't say it. _I frowned. _Or think it. Or do anything with it. Such a notion! Such a romantic notion ..._ _(Don't be a ninny!)_. **Well**, the deeper matter of the argument was that I truly, really disliked the man I was called to marry. I glowered in my mind's eye._ Not that it matters to anyone._

With these miserable thoughts dampening my mood, I could not bring myself to smile at Estrella as she slid a bed warmer beneath my sheets. "There you go, Miss." she said warmly, stirring my envy with her happy smile. "It was a difficult day for you, I'm sure."

Glad to admit my thoughts, I said, "I suspected Commodore Norrington would propose, but I must admit, I wasn't entirely prepared for it."

The maid looked thoughtful. "Well, I meant you being threatened by that pirate. Sounds terrifying."

"Oh, yes, it was terrifying." I said distractedly, wondering if I could dismiss her as easily as I could dismiss a pirate. The maid seemed to see this, and added, "But the Commodore proposed. Fancy that. Now, that's a smart match, Miss, if it's not too bold to say." Now we were on track.

"It is a smart match." came my quiet reply. "He's a fine man; he's what any woman should dream of marrying." My tone came out even more wistfully than I'd planned, but the maid seemed too preoccupied with her own words to notice.

"Well," she said slowly, calculating. "that Will Turner, he's a fine man, too." I turned cold eyes upon her, and my muscles tensed. No matter how much I thought it–or _didn't _think it–, it still came like a blow to my face. "That _is_ too bold." I snapped. The maid seemed unperturbed. "Well, begging your pardon, Miss. It was not my place." I caught her raising her eyebrows as she left the room, then picked up my book again. Perhaps, if I read enough, the inked words would soothe my nerves.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Meanwhile, at_ _Bishop Reynold High School, the New World, 100 years away _

I laughed manically and gave my friend a light push. "That's not true. I despise that bum." I stated firmly, shaking my head and the laughter from my face. Keira smirked. "Yeah, okay." My eyes widened, and I stared, surprised. "Did you just smirk?"

"Of course not, you limey bastard!"

"You smirked! I saw that!"

"So what if I smirked?"

"Well," I made absurd hand motions(not perverse hand motions, you freak). "You smirked! That's very meaningful,"

"She's right," agreed the blonde-slash-brunette next to her, nodding dutifully. "What would you know, _Persephone_?" smirked Keira again. I laughed, this was getting serious; they were using our greek names. Petra(Persephone) smacked her upside the head. In counter, Keira swung her long, identically-dyed-and-cut hair into Petra's face as she whirled to face the wall ... or wait, sorry, a door. "You two should really get your hair ..."

A door?

"Hey," I said slowly. "Have either of you ever noticed that door here before, or have I died and finally gone Narnian?"

"Probably the latter," replied Petra, though she looked just as confounded. We stared in eerie silence for a few moments, as if waiting for the door to do something amazing. The silence dragged on, until ...

"Well, open it."

"Oh, shut up, Keira," Petra said, turning wearily to face her. Keira craned past Petra to look at me, but my eyes remained on the door. "You open it."

"Maybe it's a closet," I said dreamily, reaching to the wrong side of the door for the knob.

"Other side, you knob."

"Oh."

I found the knob and yanked at the door, but it came open easily. "It's a ... closet!" I heard disrupted, almost relieved, laughter from my friends behind me. "Now get the mop," said Petra. "Mr. Lark is gonna kill us. Or worse, get us expelled." both Petra and Keira chorused from behind me. I laughed, getting into the mood. "Narnia, here I come," I said sarcastically, stepping over the threshold. Immediately the door shut behind me. I jumped and turned quickly. "Guys, let me out!" I said, banging on the door with my palm and listening to them laugh from the other side. "C'mon, I've got some good Harry Potter quips to make, and I'll forget them if you don't open up soon." Or_ I'll sit down in a corner and wet myself_ ... I shivered. _Whoa, this is a musty-smelling closet. _"Raunchy," I said, crinkling up my nose. I sneezed, then froze. It was quiet ...

" 'Ello, Poppet."


End file.
